Contributor Two Contributor Two
It's All In The... Family Bible
Contributor Two Contributor Two
I remember my mother always had a huge, heavy, white family Bible sitting on our coffee table. Inside it were treasures . . . the Williams family tree all the way back to Adam and Eve Williams, our birth certifi cates, baptism certifi cates, pictures of grandparents and cousins, a folded-up church bulletin, a casserole recipe and a receipt for two snow tires. I guess some things aren’t meant to be understood. I know just how this little boy feels. . .

Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fl ipped through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found!” he called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

Puzzled, the little boy answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

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The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted.

“My mommy looked back once while she was driving, and she turned into a telephone pole!”

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Thanks to Darryl from Augusta, Ga., for this one:

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” One thoughtful little girl broke the silence and yelled, “I think I’d throw up!”

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Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a bridge, and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Nope,” said Joey, “but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d NEVER believe it!”

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This one comes from Emma in Davenport, Iowa:

A man stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter said, “There are some questions that must be answered first. Where did you attend church?”

“I didn’t,” said the man.

Saint Peter asked, “Were you generous? Did you give money to charity?”

“No,” said the man.

Saint Peter asked again, “Did you do any good deeds, help your neighbors, anything at all?”

“No,” said the man regretfully.

Exasperated, Saint Peter said, “Look, you had to do something nice sometime in your life. Can you think of anything at all?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “Well, I did help this old lady once. I came out of a store and saw that a dozen members of a bikers’ gang were giving her a hard time. I helped the lady to her car, then I called them all cowards, kicked dirt in their faces and knocked their motorcycles over.”

“Wow,” said Saint Peter. “That’s impressive! When did all this happen?”

“Just about 15 minutes ago,” replied the man.


Now that’s funny!