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the slow result of life’s decay,
to be once more a little child
for one bright summer day.
Childhood. It was Lewis Carroll, author of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, who penned these words above. Thankfully, many of you experienced the blessing of a happy childhood with little or no distress, and would love to go back and “once more be a little child.” If so, you have a lot to be thankful for; relish and relive your memories. Unfortunately, not all can claim that childhood was the best time of their lives.
While childhood is meant to be a happy time, for some, memories are more of a nightmare than a sweet dream. When I was a child, an epidemic of polio struck South Africa (my original homeland). Several of my school friends succumbed and developed partial paralysis. As one would expect, it dramatically changed their childhood. They couldn’t play sports and felt left out. My non-Christian parents divorced when I was 12 years old, so much of my early life was filled with conflict. [See Dr. Hart’s book Helping Children Survive Divorce (Word).] Two of my grandsons lost their father in a car accident at an early age and never quite got over their loss. And I am sure many of you can add your own unhappy childhood experiences to this list.
But this doesn’t mean that these unhappy memories should haunt you or impact the rest of your life. One of the most important things that modern psychology has to teach us is that the effects of a bad childhood need not be permanent or ruin the rest of your life! And I believe that this resonates with what scripture teaches us: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on…All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.” Phil. 3:13-15 (niv)
Repairing unhappy childhood memories
A memory of some bad childhood experience is not impossible to overcome. Christian psychologists like myself help people to put their bad memories behind them all the time. You can repair the bad memories of your childhood so that they don’t rob you of a happy life. Here are some key principles to follow:
• Don’t spend a lot of time trying to uncover bad experiences from your childhood. The idea that “uncovering” forgotten memories can help eliminate present unhappiness, a belief that was quite popular for years, is now discouraged. You are better off just forgetting that which is past. Obviously, this does not include childhood abuse.
• Don’t waste time blaming your parents or caretakers for your bad childhood. Blaming does not recover your childhood. Blaming is a powerful and widespread form of consolation. What needs improving are our skills for dealing with the world. Focus on the future — not the past.
• Try to ignore the bad memories of your childhood. Don’t dwell on or obsess over them, as it only rehearses the emotional pain from the past. An acronym I use with my patients is “SOAP” (as in cleaning things up). It reminds them to Stop Obsessing About the Past.
• Also, periodically take a little time to recall and celebrate happy childhood experiences. These can help you to disregard the bad ones. I do this all the time. For instance, I loved my grandfather and have uncovered many happy memories spent fishing, exploring and building things with him that I had forgotten. Recovering them helps me to ignore unhappy times spent with my father.
• Finally, in our creation, God gave us two incredible abilities: the ability to offer forgiveness and the ability to receive comfort. Don’t neglect their importance. If someone in your childhood did you harm in any way, you may need to get some help from a counselor on how to “forgive so that you can forget.” Then receive the comfort that only God can give and “press on with your life.” God has more to offer us in our future than our past.
