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Take My Wife... Please!
Contributor Two Contributor Two
If you know me, you know I love to look for the humor in life. It’s all around. Take, for instance, this funny story sent in by Dick and Janet Keim from Pennsylvania:

My elderly neighbor and his wife went to a busy restaurant. Because they didn’t have reservations, they were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”

It worked. They were seated immediately


Here’s another one from a lady who shall remain anonymous.
She writes:

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 10 years and 20 pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. “What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?” “Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’ll never get it all in one.”

He’s still in intensive care.


A woman went to the doctor, worried about her husband’s temper. The doctor asked, “What’s the problem?”The woman said, “I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all.”

The doctor replied, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to sleep.”

Two weeks later, the woman was back in the doctor’s office with a smile on her face.

“Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!” she exclaimed. “Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The doctor grinned and said, “The water does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

“Six,” she calmly stated.

The judge said, “Then I will give you six days in jail.”

Immediately, her husband raised his hand.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “Well, she also stole a can of peas.”


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface with plenty of room at each side.

Now, with a five-pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags.

Then try 50-pound potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (Do not get discouraged. This may take some time.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.