Contributor Two Contributor Two
The Governor, King James, and a Crazy Old Cow
Contributor Two Contributor Two

Yes, I’m a collector. I collect vintage guitars. I collect “The Andy Griffith Show” memorabilia. I collect friends. Oh yes, and I collect funny stories. That collection is huge! Come over to the house and I’ll share some with you. Meanwhile, here are this issue’s selections....


A little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children’s Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young. Now, several years later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

Understandably excited, the young girl was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves. As the grandmother was trying her best to answer all the questions, she was stopped in her tracks when her granddaughter asked, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary or the King James virgin?”


A third-grade teacher was grading a science test at home that she had given to her elementary school class. The subject was the human body, and the first question was: “Name one of the major functions of your skin.”

One child wrote, “To keep people who look at you from throwing up.”


A woman was instructing her new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects. She pointed into the dining room and said with great pride, “That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth.”

“Oh, that’s nothing,” the maid interjected. “My whole living room set goes back to Rent-A-Center the fifteenth.”


It was a sunny Saturday morning at the golf course, and Joe was sizing up his shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, “Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee please back up to the men’s tee!”

As Joe continued to visualize the shot, the announcement came over the loudspeaker again, “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”

Finally Joe had enough. He shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot!”


An attorney phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor; it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer.

“What is so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Bailey just died, and I want to take his place,” begged the attorney.

“Well,” said the governor, “It’s OK with me if it’s OK with the funeral home.”


Dentist: I have to pull your aching tooth, but don’t worry, it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It’s 90 dollars.

Patient: Ninety bucks? That’s a lot of money for just a few minutes of work!

Dentist: I can pull it very slowly if you like....


A big-city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t help but gloat over his success.

He said to the farmer, “You know, I hate to tell you this, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won that case. The engineer was asleep, and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand.”

The old farmer replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that crazy old cow came home this morning!”


Now that's funny!