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"Wait 'Til He Cries..."
Contributor Two Contributor Two
I am so blessed to have a lot of wonderful, “nutty” friends all around the world who share great stories with me every month. This one comes from my buddy Gary Weldon in Iowa…

Ned had lived a full life and now his time was drawing near. He gathered the family around his bed and began to speak. He said, “My oldest son Richard, I want you to take over the houses on Brown and Oak Streets. My daughter Sharon, I want you to take the apartment buildings on the east side of town. My son George, you will take the offices on Broadway. And my dear wife, I want you to take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse was amazed by all this. She turned to Ned’s wife and said, “Your husband must have been a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property.”

“Property?” shrieked Ned’s wife. “He has a paper route!”

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Our next one comes from a faithful Homecoming Magazine reader, Judy Smathers. Judy writes…

During the first 30 years of our marriage, I had become used to my husband’s snoring. I didn’t like it, but it had a certain rhythm, and I could eventually fall asleep to it. Over time, his snoring became more erratic, and he would stop breathing entirely. Countless nights I would have to jostle him to get him to start breathing again.

In the wee hours of one particularly bad night, I shook him and hollered, “BREATHE!” He immediately took me in his arms and became very romantic. I shook him again and asked just what he thought he was doing.

He replied, “Didn’t you say BREED?”

Needless to say, I wasted no time taking him to see the sleep-disorder doctor, and got him a machine that takes care of his snoring and sleep apnea. Fifteen years later, we are still laughing about it, but at least I can get some sleep now!

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A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replied, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on my secret. It’s fish heads. If you eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“Do you sell them here?” the customer asked.

“Only $4 apiece,” said Green.

The man bought three, but a week later he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and that he didn’t get any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough of them,” said Green.

This time, the man bought 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and really angry.

“Hey, Green! You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see!” said Green. “You’re smarter already.”

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Our dear friend George Younce used to tell this funny story about his buddy and long-time singing partner, Glen Payne. Glen dearly loved being with his grandchildren.

One day, George went over to Glen’s house to see the new grandbaby, but Glen explained that he couldn’t see him just yet. Glen said, “You’ll have to wait ’til he cries.”

So they sat and had a cup of coffee. Then George said, “I want to see that baby!”

Glen just shook his head and said, “You’ll have to wait ’til he cries.”

After an hour and a half of conversation, it was beginning to get dark. George said, “Glen, I came over to see that baby. Now, go get him!”

Glen said, “You’ll have to wait ’til he cries.”

George said, “Why, Glen, why?”

Glen said, “Because I forgot where I put him.”

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Now THAT'S funny!